During this holiday season, some of us are eagerly anticipating seeing family. And some of us are dreading it.
This is for those who are dreading it. The ones who have challenging relationships with their families.
I want to say it is quite ok if your relationship with family isn’t the best. And explaining to friends and colleagues why you dread the holidays can be hard sometimes…they just might not understand.
So this is to those of us who have complicated families…I see you.
Here are a few tips and tricks to help manage your holidays with family:
1. Find an ally
If you have someone in your family who you trust and feel safe with, reach out to the person. You can share your worries with the person. Perhaps you can come up with a gameplan for how that person can support you (e.g. occasional check-ins, go on walking breaks with them, etc.).
2. Strategically spending time with family
Maybe you will spend less time with family. Perhaps you’ll go to one gathering only. Or perhaps arrive a bit later or leave a bit earlier. Or maybe you can take breaks during the gatherings…going for a walk, calling a friend, etc. Or maybe it is just about limiting your contact with one particular family member that you find particularly challenging. Heck, even taking breaks to look at photos of your cat while you’re with family might be helpful!
3. Find your own meaning for the holidays
Perhaps the holidays is about chosen family, rather than blood family. Or perhaps it is a time for self-love and a little bit of guilt-free pampering. Or even a celebration of your existence outside of patriarchal heteronormative family systems and expectations. Finding your own meaning can help with the dread of the holidays.
4. Have your own place to stay
If you have to travel out of town to see family, it can be helpful to find your own place to stay at. This can be friend’s home, the home of a relative that you feel comfortable with, hotel, Airbnb…whatever works best for you. Having a bit of separation can be very helpful.
5. Remind everyone why we’re here
Sometimes, family will try to pick fights with you. It’ll be hard, but avoiding their invitation to fight might be the best way to go about it. What might help is to remind your family that you’re all here to spend some quality time together. Here are some examples of things you can say that might be helpful. Change them up as you see fit.
“So we’re all here to enjoy our time as a family. We can spend this time talking about things that are unhappy, or we can try our best to enjoy our time together. Why don’t we try our best to enjoy our time together?”
“You know, that might not be a topic I want to talk about. So how’s your daughter doing?”
6. Setting boundaries in advance This communication might be incorporated into a phone call, facetime, or text message you have with your family when you're planning your trip down. You're letting them know what topics you wouldn't want to talk about. You might say something like the following:
"I'm looking forward to my visit with you. And I would really appreciate it if we don't talk too much about my career/job. It'll really help me focus on spending quality time with you."
Or...
"I know you're sometimes worried about my dating/married life. But I would really appreciate it if we don't talk too much about it. It'll really help me focus on spending quality time with you."
Feel free to tweak these as you see fit. You know your family best, and what would and wouldn't work.
7. Manage your expectations
Be realistic with your expectations. You can't control the behaviours of others, but you can decide how you want to react. Instead of expecting a perfect family gathering, aim for "good enough." The definition of "good enough" is your call. It might simply be averaging a 7/10 on your stress scale during your visit. Or it might be having a 2 hour meal where you aim for uncontroversial topics and redirect triggering topics to something safer.
8. Create a support plan
Talk to a therapist or trusted friend before you visit. You can get their help to brainstorm how to manage your triggers. Try to stay ahead of things by knowing your potential triggers. It might be certain topics of discussion, a certain look that your family might give you, or a certain tone in which they speak to you. Know what emotion it triggers (anger, shame, fear, sadness?). Come up with ways of coping to prepare for possible triggers/dysregulation.
9. Practice self-care
Take your self-care routine on the road with you. Perhaps you need to visit a coffee shop to journal, before you meet with family. Maybe you need to take occasional breaks during gathering(s) and go for a walk or call a trusted friend. Or maybe you take a bathroom break to breathe and ground yourself. Think ahead, and be intentional with your self-care.
10. Have an exit strategy If things get rough, it is ok to leave. If you feel safe enough, you can let your family know the reason you're leaving. But if you don't feel safe to do that, you can prepare, beforehand, reasons why you have to go. You can speak with a friend or therapist to help prepare.
The holidays can be a stressful time. Find time and take care of yourself!
As always, thanks for tuning in. If you found this helpful, share with your peeps. You can also get my free Asian Survival Guide.
Ready to change your life? Schedule a free consultation and let's get started!
Harry Au
Therapy for Asians
MSW, RSW | he/him
I help Asians go from feeling trapped to becoming self-liberated.
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