“Ending intergenerational trauma” is a topic that I find extremely hard to talk about. I am, in my own life, going through that change. And my mind and body has taken a real beating in the last few years.
Intergenerational trauma is challenging to heal from, because you are healing from the wounds of the generations before you. In many Asian immigrant families, intergenerational trauma has a huge impact on how we relate to each other in the family.
Our parents have gone through their own share of traumas: war traumas, extreme poverty, parental neglect and/or abuse, racism, xenophobia, etc. If our parents did not grow up in an emotionally stable environment, chances are, they do not know how to create an emotionally stable and supportive environment for their own children.
So as their children, we inherit the generations of trauma from our parents.
Being the first person in your family to heal intergenerational trauma is NOT easy. Your family won't understand what you're doing, nor will they be happy with the changes you're trying to make...even if the changes can ultimately lead to healthier relationships with them.
So I want to take this time to acknowledge the pain that comes with being the first in the family to do that hard and scary work...ending intergenerational trauma. I see you.
1. They Will Call You Selfish
The moment you decided to heal from your trauma, you have essentially committed to changing your life. But the problem is, everyone else in your family would prefer to remain the same. Change is scary, and most people prefer the pains of the familiar, than the fears of the uncertain/unfamiliar that comes with positive change.
So when you start addressing your family’s abusive behavioural patterns, or unhealthy relationship dynamics, your family is not going to be happy about it. And you are very likely the first person in the family to start setting healthy boundaries to create healthy relationships.
So a common response from the family? They will brand you as selfish.
2. They Will Shame You
Your family doesn’t want the change that you’re trying to make. So they will do whatever they can to resist it. Once you’re labelled as “selfish,” they may use that label to shame you. They might say things like “you’re a bad son/daughter.” Or “we have paid for your education and now you think you’re better than us.” Or “you’re being too extreme.”
Part of Asian culture is the concept of filial piety. This describes the set of “guidelines” of how a child should love and respect their elders and parents, and their obligations towards their family and parents.
Filial piety is taught to us since the day we are born. When we “fail” in these filial obligations, we are taught to feel extreme shame. Filial piety isn’t necessarily a bad thing, when you have healthy family relationships. But what happens when the entirety of the family has been impacted by intergenerational trauma, which you then inherit?
What you’re trying to do is to end intergenerational trauma. But your family doesn’t see it in that way. They see your change as selfish, and will call you a bad son/daughter. And because of your lifelong indoctrination into filial piety, you can’t help but feel the unbearable shame.
3. You Will Be their Convenient Scapegoat
As the person who is pushing to change, you’ve put yourself out in the open as the target. And it’s not easy. Whenever you do something that your family doesn’t like, you will be the one they blame. This means that if your family has any uncomfortable emotions due to your decisions, they will blame you for it. Simply because they aren’t able to regulate their own emotions nor reflect on a deeper level. And they may talk negatively about you behind your back.
4. You Will Be Misunderstood
When you had committed yourself to ending intergenerational trauma, you had committed yourself to learning about your family history and mental health. You would have opened your mind to new knowledges and new ways of being and living.
However, your family knows nothing about these topics. So they won’t understand the decisions that you make. You may sometimes feel helpless, because it can seem impossible to explain your decision-making to your family without going into long explanations around everything that you have learned.
So what do we do? Sometimes, we just leave it, and accept the discomforts of not being understood by our family. Which might also mean they call us selfish, because they can’t understand our decisions. Ya, I know, it sucks.
5. They Will Continue to Blame You, Even though You have Improved Their Lives
Being the first one in the family to end intergenerational trauma, you are doing the scary thing. You have to figure everything out yourself. For some folx, it leads to drastic changes in their relationship with their family members. And because you're learning to have better relationships with your family, your family members may actually benefit from your efforts.
The entire family might start learning how to voice more honesty (even if only a smidge more). There may be slightly healthier boundaries, or at least acknowledgement of boundaries. If family history of abuse comes to light, the situation may have become better or de-escalated over time. Taboo and shameful family topics such as infidelity, abuse, and religion might finally be discussed and made less taboo and less shameful. Your siblings might follow your lead and implement similar skills into their own lives.
But you’re also a different person now, than the person who first started this mental health journey. Through all the trials and tribulations, successes and setbacks, it’s now become your modus operandi, your habit, to tackle trauma head-on. You accept the fears of change and make changes whenever necessary. However, your family may never reach that point in their lives.
So what happens when you continue to change and your family doesn’t like your change? Well, they will continue to blame you. Your family may never be willing to acknowledge your positive impact that you have had in their life. They just might not have that level of introspection to be able to see it...or they just might not be willing to acknowledge you.
You’ve taken on a thankless role. For the most part, it’s fine, because you’ve kind of come to terms with it. But sometimes, it also just feels really sucky to be blamed, even though everyone has benefitted from your hard work of ending intergenerational trauma.
Healing from intergenerational trauma is powerful and lifechanging. But it is also full of pain and heartache. For those of you engaged in this healing, I want to let you know that I see you. Keep at it.
Hey there, my name is Harry, and I’m an Asian therapist here to support your search for health and authenticity. If you are open to weekly self-care FUN-ctivities, subscribe to my “Happy Chemicals Club.” If you enjoy podcasts, you can check these out.
Harry Au
Therapy for Asians
MSW, RSW | he/him
I help Asians go from feeling trapped to becoming self-liberated.
Such a powerful blog! I felt that in my soul and can relate to so much of what was said. Truly powerful and so relatable and honest 🙏🏾