For us people-pleasers out there, I’m sure we all have experienced this. Most of the time, we’re just doing our thing, prioritizing other people’s needs over our own, cause you know, we’re people-pleasers. That’s what we do. But every once in a while…shit really goes down, and we get ANGRY. And for some of us, that anger is EXPLOSIVE.
In general, people-pleasers tend to have an insecure attachment. That means deep down, we believe that love is conditional. This might be because one of our parents is a people-pleaser, or because our parents only showed us love when we did something that pleased them.
For people-pleasers, we believe that the conditions for love and affection is based on our ability to be of service to others…doing things to make others happy, proud, or taken care of. At the core of it all, it is related to our fears of rejection and abandonment.
One thing that people-pleasers hate is when they are put in a no-win situation. And this no-win situation is when we can no longer people-please to win conditional love and affection from others. Whatever the reason, it somehow feels impossible to be able to please everyone.
The No-Win Incident
Recently, I found myself caught in a no-win situation. I have a friend who is transphobic. Let’s call him Contrarian101, because he thinks being a contrarian makes him edgy and smart. We actually stopped being friends due to his transphobia. But we had a second stint in the friendship. But of course, his politics didn’t really change. And in a WhatsApp message, Contrarian101 shared his anti-Indigenous views, pro-colonialism views.
This was a no-win situation because I am pitted between my desire to people-please, and my own needs. My people-pleaser wants me to be agreeable and not cause a scene. My own needs want me to express my social justice values. This triggered my Inner Rage that was super pissed that Contrarian101 had put me in this situation.
Now let’s be fair…it’s not really Contrarian101’s fault that I was angry. He’s allowed to say what he wants. My Inner Rage is triggered because I am put in a no-win situation that is full of intense emotions. On one hand, I am scared to cause a scene, because I am scared to be judged, rejected, and abandoned. But on the other hand, I feel strong conviction towards my social justice values. With both sides feeling so intensely, how am I to decide what to do?
Dealing with the People-Pleaser’s Inner Rage
Here’s how I know I’ve grown and healed: I gave myself a day to reflect on how I wanted to respond. I allowed my emotions to simmer and calm. I reached out to trusted friends to seek their wisdom. And I reached out to those in the WhatsApp group who shared my politics, to get their thoughts and support.
When I was ready, I crafted a message in our WhatsApp group. It was clear and concise, focusing on the irreconcilable differences between us rather than on accusations. I set boundaries, making it clear that this message was the end of the conversation and of our friendship. And I wished him the best. I wasn’t looking for an argument—I was drawing a line. Instead of letting my Inner Rage decide how to respond, I took time to be intentional with my response and my desired outcome.
Of course, a part of me still felt angry, wondering what Contrarian101 might think of me—perhaps that I’m overly sensitive or not smart enough to understand his "incredible contrarian ideas." But by getting social support around this, it helped me feel validated with how I felt.
This Didn’t Happen in A Day…
Healing from my people-pleasing took many years. It was a long process of accepting that I had trauma, accepting that I am a people-pleaser with insecure attachment, and accepting that I am fearful of abandonment and rejection. I also had to accept all the intense emotions that comes from healing, and take small, incremental steps towards facing all of these emotions.
And part of being a people-pleaser is feeling like things aren’t in your control—feeling that someone else has the power over your happiness. Although my healing journey was long and arduous, I would do it again without a second thought. My healing has rewarded me with the feeling of self-comfort, sense of autonomy, and authentic connection with others that I never thought possible.
Hey there, my name is Harry, and I’m an Asian therapist here to support your search for health and authenticity. If you are open to weekly self-care FUN-ctivities, subscribe to my “Happy Chemicals Club.” If you enjoy podcasts, you can check these out.
Harry Au
Therapy for Asians
MSW, RSW | he/him
I help Asians go from feeling trapped to becoming self-liberated.
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